Two and a Half Men Premieres With Record Ratings and a Barely Clothed Ashton Kutcher

Alan Spills Charlie's Ashes

Two and a Half Men steamrolled over Dancing with the Stars, ratings-wise, with its Season 9 premiere, drawing 27.8 million voyeurs, I mean viewers.

The episode started with Charlie's funeral.

Apparently he died in Paris. Where he was on a romantic trip with the long-smitten Rose.

However, Rose caught Charlie in the shower with another woman. Rose said her love was unconditional, but the next day somehow Charlie found himself shoved in front of a Paris train, rendering him, in Rose's words, "Like a big balloon of exploding meat."

Which had Charlie's nephew suddenly hungry.

It was a very irreverant funeral with a lot of bitter women.

Later back at Charlie's Malibu Beach house a parade of amusing guest stars showed up to check out the house for sale, like John Stamos and Dharma & Greg, aka, Jenna Elfman & Thomas Gibson.

UPS delivered Charlie's cremated ashes. Which you knew Alan would manage to spill, which he did when Ashton Kutcher showed up outside the house, looking in, after an aborted suicide attempt.

Ashton Kutcher is billionaire Walden Schmidt, who was wanting to kill himself after his girl friend dumped him. Soon Alan was consoling Walden, talking him into going out to a bar and out of his wet clothes, which had Alan obsessed over Walden's plus-sized private parts. And the fact that Walden was very comfortable with being naked.

At the bar Walden and Alan met a couple girls. Soon they were back at Charlie's with Walden and the two girls upstairs in Charlie's bedroom. The next morning Walden came downstairs, still naked, to introduce himself to Bertha, then informed Alan that last night he'd had sex with the two girls. To which Alan replied that last night he'd cried and masturbated.

It never ceases to amaze me what words and situations get said and portrayed on modern American TV.

But we retain enough prudishness to blur out Walden's nakedness.

Walden informs Alan he is buying Charlie's house, and is giving Alan a big naked hug when Alan's ex-wife and son Jake walk in to see Alan being hugged by a tall naked stranger, who then goes upstairs with Alan's ex-wife proclaiming, "I like him," as she watched Walden's blurred bare butt go upstairs.

I suspect the ratings for Two and a Half Men will go down now that the voyeurs have their one time look.