Two and a Half Men Premieres With Record Ratings and a Barely Clothed Ashton Kutcher

Alan Spills Charlie's Ashes

Two and a Half Men steamrolled over Dancing with the Stars, ratings-wise, with its Season 9 premiere, drawing 27.8 million voyeurs, I mean viewers.

The episode started with Charlie's funeral.

Apparently he died in Paris. Where he was on a romantic trip with the long-smitten Rose.

However, Rose caught Charlie in the shower with another woman. Rose said her love was unconditional, but the next day somehow Charlie found himself shoved in front of a Paris train, rendering him, in Rose's words, "Like a big balloon of exploding meat."

Which had Charlie's nephew suddenly hungry.

It was a very irreverant funeral with a lot of bitter women.

Later back at Charlie's Malibu Beach house a parade of amusing guest stars showed up to check out the house for sale, like John Stamos and Dharma & Greg, aka, Jenna Elfman & Thomas Gibson.

UPS delivered Charlie's cremated ashes. Which you knew Alan would manage to spill, which he did when Ashton Kutcher showed up outside the house, looking in, after an aborted suicide attempt.

Ashton Kutcher is billionaire Walden Schmidt, who was wanting to kill himself after his girl friend dumped him. Soon Alan was consoling Walden, talking him into going out to a bar and out of his wet clothes, which had Alan obsessed over Walden's plus-sized private parts. And the fact that Walden was very comfortable with being naked.

At the bar Walden and Alan met a couple girls. Soon they were back at Charlie's with Walden and the two girls upstairs in Charlie's bedroom. The next morning Walden came downstairs, still naked, to introduce himself to Bertha, then informed Alan that last night he'd had sex with the two girls. To which Alan replied that last night he'd cried and masturbated.

It never ceases to amaze me what words and situations get said and portrayed on modern American TV.

But we retain enough prudishness to blur out Walden's nakedness.

Walden informs Alan he is buying Charlie's house, and is giving Alan a big naked hug when Alan's ex-wife and son Jake walk in to see Alan being hugged by a tall naked stranger, who then goes upstairs with Alan's ex-wife proclaiming, "I like him," as she watched Walden's blurred bare butt go upstairs.

I suspect the ratings for Two and a Half Men will go down now that the voyeurs have their one time look.

How Is Ashton Kutcher Going to Replace Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men?

I'm guessing it is going to be interesting to see how Ashton Kutcher replaces Charlie Sheen on Two and a Half Men.

Is Kutcher taking over the role of Charlie Parker?

Or will there be some other means to get Ashton into Charlie's house to live with Alan and Jake?

Surely they are not going to do a Bewitched type thing where Dick Sargent replaced Dick York as Darrin Stevens with no explanation, not even something as simple as having Endora cast a spell to change Darrin's looks.

Maybe the plot could have had Charlie having spent extensive time in re-hab, to emerge as a much better looking, taller, version of his former self.

Or they could have Charlie dying in some comic way, to have it revealed that he left his money, royalties and house to his ne'er do well cousin, Ashton.

They could have Charlie in an accident that requires facial reconstruction.

Two and a Half Men will not be paying Ashton Kutcher as much as they paid the ungrateful Charlie Sheen. Sheen got $1.25 million per episode, plus profit participation that brought the total to around $2 million per episode. Ashton supposedly will be getting a measly rumored $625,000 to $800,000 per episode.

$800,000 is more than I make in an entire year. I don't know what I make for an episode.

CBS Ends Production of Two and a Half Men After Charlie Sheen's Latest Bad Behavior

I had not watched Two and a Half Men for years. And then I got TV on Demand via AT & T's U-Verse. CBS is the only one of the networks to be on AT & T's on Demand list.

Which has caused me to watch CBS shows I'd otherwise not watched.

When I first watched Two and a Half Men again I was surprised to see that Jake is no long a half man.

But, more than Jake being all grown up I was surprised at how, well, raunchy an American TV Sit-Com is in 2011.

During the Seinfeld era I was a faithful TV sitcom viewer. When Seinfeld and Friends left the air it was the end of Must See TV for me on Thursdays. And thus the end of watching sitcoms til now.

Two and a Half Men has not been producing new shows ever since Charlie Sheen's hospitalization last month, followed by supposed re-hab. At home.

And now CBS and Warner Bros. Television have halted production of TV's #1 sitcom for the season, due to  the "totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and condition."

The statements being referred to were some bad things Charlie Sheen said about his show's executive producer, Chuck Lorre during a radio interview with someone named Alex Jones.

Charlie Sheen's radio remarks are being compared to Mel Gibson's anti-Semetic rant to a traffic cop.

Charlie compounded his problem, after the CBS decision, by sending  an "open letter" to TMZ in which he called Lorre a "contaminated little maggot" among other things.

Charlie also delusionally called on his fans to start a protest movement for him.

At the end of last season Charlie Sheen signed a two year contract that pays him about $1.8 million per episode.

How can someone make that type money doing something fun, like being on a hit sitcom? And then still be so miserable that drugs and alcohol are needed to make you happy?

Or possibly insane.

Sheen made multiple references to violence, calling himself the new sheriff in town, with an "army of assassins."

And that, "If you love with violence and you hate with violence, there's nothing that can be questioned."

Almost $2 million an episode. And insane.

Beverly Hills Housewife Husband Paul Nassif Calls 911 For Charlie Sheen

I don't believe we've seen Adrienne Maloof's and Dr. Paul Nassif's kids on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Or was that their kids in their dad's office getting shown how dad uses a computer to do plastic surgery?

That is Adrienne and Paul and their 3 kids in the picture.

I digress from my intended subject.

So, I was a little surprised to read that the Maloof-Nassif family is the next door neighbor of CBS bad boy, Charlie Sheen.

And that it was Paul Nassif who was the 911 caller who summoned help when his neighbor, Charlie, was drunk and suffering bad stomach pains.

Adrienne and Paul released a statement to the press regarding Charlie, saying, "We are so glad that Charlie made the decision to seek the assistance of a rehabilitation center today. This is something that his friends and family have pushed for, and we wish him all the love and support he will need in the coming days."

This is the first time this year that production on TV's #1 sit-com, Two and a Half Men, has had to come to a stop due to Charlie Sheen checking into a rehab facility. This is the 3rd time in 3 months Charlie Sheen has needed to check in to a hospital.

The character of Charlie Sheen, the person, seems to be very much like the character, Charlie Harper, he plays on Two and a Half Men. Charlie Harper is often drunk, is not averse to drugs, is a womanizer and has been known to hire a hooker or two.

Charlie Sheen, the person, in recent times has been in the news for leaving a New York City hotel torn up, with Charlie in such bad condition he had to be hospitalized. Last summer Charlie plead guilty to assaulting his wife in Aspen, Colorado. And earlier this month Charlie was in the news for some wild partying in Las Vegas.

I will never understand why so many people with charmed lives get themselves so messed up. I like to think if I lived a charmed life, which I don't, that I would find myself enjoying it. Not getting stoned, drunk, violent and requiring my neighbors to call 911 to help me.

But, it would be interesting if I found myself suddenly leading a charmed life and finding myself succumbing to temptations that currently do not tempt me. Somehow I can't see myself tearing up a hotel room. Or assaulting my wife. Or hiring a hooker. I might get drunk, though.

Two and a Half Dirty Ol' Men

I had not watched Two and a Half Men on CBS for quite a long time. Probably not since last season. I've always found it very funny. And now its the top rated comedy on TV.

I know the show often gets in trouble with the CBS standards and practices people. Rightfully so. Two and a Half Men has always pushed the envelope. I like seeing the envelope pushed. But last night's envelope got pushed too far. In my opinion.

Last night's show was a re-run. I've no idea when it aired originally. Or what its title was.

At times, just the title's of a Two and a Half Men episode can seem to push the envelope. Like one title "Rough Night in Hump Junction." That episode starts with horndog Charlie Harper asking his brother, Alan, to keep the girl he has upstairs, occupied, at 8 in the morning, because Charlie wants to go have sex with a married woman while her husband plays a nine holes of golf.

Charlie tells Alan, "Her husband is out playing nine holes, so I thought, as long as he's out, I'd try and play a couple myself." Despite getting beat up by the husband, Charlie persists, climbing the stairs to have sex with the man's wife who is eagerly waiting for him.

The next morning Charlie limps home with 2 black eyes. He tells Alan, "I just had a little accident. I tried to pick my lady friend up and put her on the bureau and now I can't find one of my testicles."

To which Charlie's housekeeper, Bertha, pipes up with, "That is something you do not want to find in the vacuum bag." For the rest of the episode Charlie sits on a cushion and complains about his painful "balls."

Later, Alan tries to talk to Charlie about his bad behavior and says this line, "You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy."

Next Charlie is arrested for trying to hire a hooker who turns out to be a cop. Which leads Charlie to think that Alan may be right.

Later Charlie tells Alan about his thoughts about settling down, with this line, "Yep, settle down. Have a couple kids. Ship the penis off to Cooperstown."

I only saw the last half of last night's episode. The word "penis" was uttered by Rose, the neighbor who stalks Charlie. She'd rung the doorbell right when Alan was expecting a hooker to arrive. Apparently, twice divorced dorky Alan was desperate for some female attention. He told Rose he was expecting someone else, a lady of the evening. Rose was disapproving, suggestion Alan try other means of meeting his penis needs, saying she'd heard some found some satisfaction in this thing called masturbation. Alan said he's tired of the same old thing. Rose suggested he use his other hand.

I sat there in disbelief that this sort of juvenile snicker stuff is now par for the course on the Tiffany Network's top rated sitcom.

So, the hooker arrives. She wants her money up front. $500. Alan pays her. The hooker goes to work. She compliments Alan. He stops her, says he knows that's a lie, if this is gonna work you're going to need to be truthful. She kisses him again, says his lips are dry.

On and on it goes, with Alan objecting to the nice things the hooker is saying. We cut to Charlie and Alan's kid, Jake, out to dinner in another unseemly situation, then back to Alan, following the hooker, who is obviously annoyed, with Alan whining, "saying it's the biggest you've ever seen was just ridiculous, I mean, I've not seen all that many and it's the smallest of any I've seen."

The hooker then throws the $500 back at Alan and tells him to never call her again. She leaves and Alan looks all self-satisfied, saying, "I got to 2nd base and it didn't cost me a dime."

Now. I don't think I'm a prude. I actually thought it was funny. But. First off the hooker. I know hiring a hooker is a crime in California. Big deal you think. Well, here is what disturbed me. I just finished a book called Bully. The true story of a group of kids who brutally murdered a bully in their group, back in the 1990s. This was in Broward County, Florida. True story. You may remember it.

Well, part of the Bully story is some of the girls had previously been involved, when as young as 14, in a huge prostitution ring. The community was in shock that these nice girls from nice middle class homes could be doing such a thing and think it is no big deal.

So, now it is 2008 and at 8 in the evening, when impressionable young minds might be watching TV, unsupervised, you've got what used to be the classiest TV network spewing what amounts to being sort of verbal porn, passing off all sorts of bad behaviors, as being perfectly okay. And funny.

We had a big brouhaha over a millisecond of Janet Jackson's partially exposed nipple during a Super Bowl Halftime Show with the outcry as if a crime had been committed against humanity. I did not see the nipple because I must have blinked at the wrong time. I think the worst that could happen if a kid saw Ms. Jackson's nipple for a millisecond is, well nothing.

What's the worst that might happen if a kid watches a show that makes being a prostitute look like an honorable profession and hiring one a perfectly natural, okay, upstanding thing to do? It doesn't take a lot of imagination to think of the worst that can happen.

Other than contributing to the deprivation of our culture Two and a Half Men is funny. Very funny. For adults to watch. Adults only. I do find Bertha the housekeeper disturbing. She reminds me way too much of a slimmed down, less ugly version of a former friend of mine. It gives me chills.