Survivor 18: Tocantins---Wimpy Whining Dragonslaying Coach Gets The Boot

The Dragon Slayer finally got slain, last night, on Survivor. The delusional "Coach" finally figured out he was not in control of the game.

It was quite amusing to see the "Warrior" turn into a scared little boy, begging J.T. not to send him to Exile Island, to send Taj or Errin, instead.

Benny was whining like a decrepit old man, his back was hurting, his asthma getting worse, I forget what else.

J.T. did not much like the whining.

At the reward challenge Coach followed J.T. through the maze, with J.T. winning. And then sending Coach to Exile Island, saying something like "Do the noble thing, Coach."

The Deluded One then said something about taking the Monastic approach, no fire, no food, just meditating. Or something like that. Errin did not like Coach's martyr spiel so she mocked him. Stephen didn't like Errin picking on Coach. Why? I do not know.

J.T.'s reward for winning was a jet trip to something called the Governor's Retreat where he'd get to take a shower, sleep in a bed, eat meat and take someone with him. He took Stephen.

These type rewards on Survivor always seem odd to me. I don't mind it when they take a raft trip to some village and experience some local culture and food. But getting on a jet or a helicopter and going to some luxury resort seems to take the show way too far away from its primitive survive in the wild theme.

Coach made himself a walking cane while in Exile, which he hobbled in on to the Immunity Challenge, which was an endurance test, when Coach almost endured long enough to beat J.T. When the Coach finally gave up he collapsed to the ground in the fetal position, with the others rushing to help him. Probst asked if he needed medical attention. The Coach declined the offer.

So, we're done to 4. Does that mean the Finale is this Sunday? I turned the TV off before the previews came on.

Survivor 18: Tocantins---Debbie Booted, Coach Has No Loved Ones

Well, that was one sad episode of Survivor last night. Ben Wade, aka Coach, aka Dragonslayer managed to go from delusional and downright weird to sad and pathetic.

The food auction is always an amusing Survivor episode. Her tribemates, giving Taj money so she could win the bid to get a message from a loved one, was nice. I like Taj.

Taj then agreeing to go to Exile Island to meet her husband, ex-footballer, Eddie George, so the others could meet their Loved Ones back at camp, that was nice.

The tribe heads back to camp while Taj heads towards her husband. At camp we meet the Loved Ones. Each of the Loved Ones was an actually Loved One, but one.

Stephan's brother, J.T.'s little sister, Debbie's husband, Errin's dad, Taj's husband.

And then we had the Dragonslayer. His Loved One was his Assistant Coach. We didn't see much of the guy on the show. I didn't realize he had an Aussie accent til I saw the YouTube video below.

A really weird moment, among many, was the Coach, who over and over again claims he never lies, lied when telling his Loved One, his Assistant Coach, that his tribemates had nicknamed him the Dragonslayer! And then, in the YouTube video, Coach's Loved One spews all the same delusional nonsense about Coach that Coach constantly repeats himself.

One of the delusions Coach told his Loved One was that he was in charge of the game. Which makes it so amusing to watch Coach handle seeing his "ally" Debbie get voted out of the tribe, while, unbeknownst to the man in control of the dragonslaying, his "ally" had been the only one to vote to oust him!

We saw no interaction between Coach and his Loved One like we saw with the other actual Loved Ones. Instead Coach and his Loved One rough-housed, with Coach's Loved One helping Coach stretch into weird positions while Coach laid on the ground.

In the Internet TV forums, today, the consensus seems to be that Coach has now gone from being the biggest douchebag in reality tv history, to being a pathetic object of pity, a sad, sad man. With, apparently, no Loved Ones.

More than one poster speculated that when the Loved Ones episode came up, with Coach still in the game, the producers were faced with a dilemma. No Loved One for the guy? How embarrassing. What to do? One poster speculated that it went as follows....

Mark Burnett to the Boom-Mike guy: "Listen man, no one showed up. We don't want to public feeling bad for this guy, do we? Can you just pretend to be his friend?"

Boom-Mike Guy: "Hell no! He's a douche and people will think I KNOW HIM! I am out here in this thousand degree heat holding this stupid pole and now you want me to........"

Burnett cuts him off: "Do you want your job?"

Boom-Mike Guy: "Not that bad!"

Burnett pleading: "I'll give you $10,000 to do this.

Boom-Mike Guy: "OK"

The fact that the Coach's Loved One had an Aussie accent and most Survivor production people are, like Mark Burnett, Australians, makes this a plausible scenario to me.

Watch the weird video of the Dragonslayer's Loved One talking about his Loved One below....

Survivor 18: Tocantins---Tyson Get His Blindside Comeuppance

After last week's Survivor I was ready to bail. This was not the first time Survivor had so annoyed me that I'd reached that point. And then I give it one more chance and it redeems itself.

I was ready to bail last week because we were shown no reason why Taj turned on Brendan, voting to boot him from the tribe. We saw no reason why Taj turned her back on her Exile Island Alliance.

And, it was not fun to watch because Stephen and J.T. and Taj seemed to be under the control of the loathsome Coach, instead of seeing that they should boot out Coach, removing that idiot from our TV screens.

The previews and ads for last night's Survivor planted the idea that Sierra would save herself by winning the Immunity Challenge. She almost did win it. But one who has left zero impression on me, is the name Debby? The school principal, she won.

The oddest part of that Immunity Challenge was Coach "The Warrior" decided to not fight that battle, because if he felt safe, and sat out, he could eat pizza. He looked so incredibly stupid sitting there eating pizza and looking detached. Yeah, warriors eat pizza rather than participate in a challenge.

And poor, evermore rat-like looking, Stephen, once more sent to Exile Island, comes back for the Immunity Challenge, already miserable, decides along with Coach and J.T. to opt out and eat pizza, sat there under a blanket in the rain shivering violently. Worst case of the shivers I've seen in 18 seasons of Survivor.

After the Immunity Challenge we see Sierra pathetically pleading to stay. It really did not make a lot of sense. Coach was all condescending. Tyson, even more so.

And then, unlike last week, a lightbulb turns on in Taj's head. What if we get rid of Tyson? This may be our only chance. Erinn, J.T. and Stephen were quickly on board. No need to tell Sierra. Of course, J.T. was conflicted, due to his relationship with the Coach, based on their mutual trustworthiness and golden characters.

And then we get to the Tribal Council. Sierra was quite good at defending herself. Tyson acted like an ass. Probst asked some probing Probst-type questions and then he turned on Coach and tried to nail the idiot on his hypocritical contradictions. Going on and on about wanting it to be a fight between warriors. Then why did you boot Brendan, Probst asked? To which Coach spouted more of his moronic nonsense. With a big feather stuck in his greasy hair.

One of the funnier moments was Taj crossing her eyes at one of times Coach spouted his Warrior idiocy.

And then the payoff. Sierra sure she's going home. A couple votes for Sierra, then one for Tyson. Then another. Then another for Sierra. Coach and Tyson back looking smug. Then another vote for Tyson. Oh oh, this wasn't the plan. Sierra now had 3 votes, Tyson 4. Either another Sierra vote ties it, or Tyson gets the boot.

The look on Tyson and Coach's faces made this a double-blindside. And the look on Sierra's face was also reality TV gold. Brendan laughing and clapping was also good.

In the previews it appears that now the tables are turned and Coach is begging for Sierra's help. The ebb and flow of fortunes is what I like about Survivor. When it makes sense.

In his final words Tyson said that now he knew how Brendan felt. And that he was bummed that Sierra lasted longer than him. I think it's called poetic justice and a real good comeuppance.

Survivor: Tocantins---Jeff Probst Blogs Episode 9

Reading TV forums it's pretty clear that there is universal dislike for the character on the current version of Survivor who calls himself Coach.

I've known a deluded pathological liar in real life. This guy takes deluded to a whole new realm of reality.

I talked to my sister a couple days ago. She's also a longtime Survivor fan. I asked her if the last episode made any sense to her, the Brendan boot with Taj voting to get rid of Brendan.

Anymore I easily quit watching a show. I've not seen an episode of Desperate Housewives for 2 years. I liked Ugly Betty, but would never get around to watching the recorded episodes. My sister bailed on Celebrity Apprentice after Trump fired the Kardashian girl, not due to anything she did on the show, but due to Trump finding out she'd had a DUI, in the past.

So, my sister and I are ready to kick Survivor out of our TV Tribe. I think the coup de grace may have been delivered this morning when I read Jeff Probst's Survivor Blog. His entire blog is devoted to the deluded Coach and how much he likes him. The only part of Probst's blog that made sense to me was when he mentioned Susan Boyle and if you didn't know who she was, to quit reading this blog and go to YouTube.

Anyway, I'll copy Probst's blogging devoted to the Coach, below....

Apr 17, 2009, 08:36 AM | by Jeff Probst

Okay, truth test...you're starting to love Coach a little bit, right? If not, you are gonna hate this blog, because this blog is dedicated to Coach.

I've hosted Survivor for 18 seasons, and up until now there has only been one person I thought might be worthy of their own show and that was Boston Rob. That is, up until now.

I am seriously considering a show called The Dragon Slayer. It's about a guy who lives in a world that exists solely in his own mind, and thus is invisible to the outside world. While it is the year 2009, the Dragon Slayer dresses like he's just returned from one of those Renaissance fairs where he's just finished eating a turkey leg the size of a small dog. We'll simply follow his daily life, where every time he leaves his home offers the potential for a life changing, near-death, journey. Every episode concludes with his signature line:

Coach: "Hence my name, the dragon slayer."

Most shows suffer from running out of ideas. That will never happen on The Dragon Slayer, not with comments like this:

Coach: "I want you guys to know there are three people in the world that know this story."

Okay, that is a total lie. Coach told all of us producers this same story during casting and I've probably told three or four other people cause come on, it's a good story. They've told people, who've told other people, cause again, it really is a good story. I'd argue that after tonight's episode, seen in over a hundred countries, that Coach's story of being beaten by indigenous people in the Amazon will soon surpass Susan Boyle in popularity. Don't know who Susan Boyle is? Stop reading this blog and go to YouTube.

Back to my new show, The Dragon Slayer. Another reason Coach deserves his own show is because he has principles. For instance, in one episode, National Geographic wants to come along with Coach as he kayaks down the Amazon, but he says no.

Coach: "I'm doing this alone."

That is a true Dragon Slayer. You do it not for the glory, but because it is there.

Say no to Nat Geo, but a resounding YES to Survivor. The man knows his demographic.

At this point in the pitch, I'm just gonna give you some topics for future episodes, snippets of dialogue you'll hear in the show:

EPISODE 4: FLY ME TO THE MOON... FOR FREE

Brendan: "How'd you afford a military chopper?"
Coach: "That I got for free."
Brendan: "How'd you do that?"
Coach: "I pulled some strings."

EPISODE 5 - THE SERMON

Coach: "Be the wizard, Stephen, be the wizard."

EPISODE 8 - YOU WON'T FIND IT (this will be our Emmy submission)

Coach: "If you do a Google search you won't find it; it's only passed down verbally."

Okay, now if you tell me you do not appreciate the brilliance of that line and the man who uttered it, I challenge you and say you are a LIAR. Furthermore, I'll give 20-1 odds that tonight, (Friday) you'll be home alone with microwave popcorn and some ridiculous Jim Carrey movie.

What a brilliant line. Maybe the single most brilliant line this season. That one sentence can literally get you out of any jam. "If you Google it, you won't find it, it's only (fill in the blank) verbally."

Coach is a genius.

The writing that comes out of Coach's mouth is so good that I am honestly intimidated. If Hollywood could write at this level consistently, there would be no need for anyone to ever strike because everybody would be working!

Brendan: We're throwing underhand breaking tiles and none of us have ever done us before.
Coach: "I have."

I throw my hands up. I cannot keep up. You get the idea. And yes, in case you're wondering, my lawyer has assured me that this blog constitutes ownership of the idea, the name of the show, and of Coach himself.

Okay, okay a few other things:

From what I can tell from my position as host, being on Exile Island with somebody is bad enough, being out there alone is miserable. An hour feels like a month. A bit of rain can get you so cold you truly believe you will freeze to death, never to awake again.

Stephen was completely out of his element and over his head on Exile and to his credit, he hung in there and he did it. He made fire. Making fire is never as easy as you think it is. I'm impressed.

Tyson - the dude is dangerous. A major physical threat. Also one of the best spontaneous lines of the night:

Tyson: (Regarding voting out Sierra) "It probably won't win me her vote...(long pause) but it might win me everybody else's vote!" I love Tyson. He cracks me up. I definitely think that Tyson should show up as a nemesis in the third episode of my new show, but he and Dragon Slayer eventually become friends. But what Coach doesn't know is that Tyson one day plans to slay him and steal the Dragon Slayer crown.

J.T.: "I'd come back with a damn 30-30 Winchester." Okay, look, I will admit that I am not a big gun enthusiast so it probably won't surprise anyone that J.T.'s comment about how he'd handle those damn Amazonian people who captured Coach made me more than a bit uncomfortable. I'm telling you, J.T. would make a great small town Sheriff.

Okay, let's get to Tribal Council and the star of my new show, The Dragon Slayer.

Coach: "Brendan's the dragon. I'm the Dragon Slayer."

Brendan: "He's kinda like a snake - don't bother him and he won't bother you."

Ah Brendan, such a good strategy. Unfortunately you bothered him and he bit you.

In one of the biggest surprises of the season, Coach defeats Brendan. The Dragon Slayer slays the Dragon.

Poor Brendan. Sitting on that idol... he never saw it coming. Blindside #4. That one hurt. Hated to see Brendan go as he seems like a guy you'd have a beer with.

But as much as I like Brendan, I'll admit, if given the choice of keeping the dragon or the Dragon Slayer - you know my vote. Long live the Dragon Slayer!!!

Please keep the Dragon Slayer all the way to the end. Please let him plead his case to the jury.

Two last things:
1. Coach can never write his own dialogue in my new show, The Dragon Slayer, and here's an example of why:

Coach: "Who really was the chosen one? It's gonna be Coach Wade."

Wait...What? Coach Wade? Coach Wade? What happened to my Dragon Slayer? Coach fell out of character. For one moment he remembered who he really was, "Coach Wade" and it totally blew the whole image thing.

"Coach Wade" does NOT work. It doesn't ring and it doesn't conjure up cool images of things being "slayed" either. It actually makes me imagine an overweight, former athlete turned insurance salesman living in Tulsa. Nothing sexy about that. Nothing. Sorry, but I've been to Tulsa.

That line should read:

"Who really was the chosen one? The Dragon Slayer."

And the last thing...and the best part of my new TV show, The Dragon Slayer, Coach has an Achilles heel, he'll cut his nose off to spite his face. Coach, you may have defeated Brendan, but in my opinion you and the former Timbira tribe made a terrible decision tonight. Voting out Brendan made no sense at all. You should have taken out J.T.

Okay, it's late. I'm done.

Survivor 18: Tocantins---Brendan & Viewers Blindsided

A few seasons ago the editing on Survivor seemed to make no sense, over and over again, to the point that I lost interest. As in the voting made no sense based on what we'd seen.

After last night's Survivor with the booting of Brendan I'm thinking I'm bailing on viewing.

Did I miss something? Did we see anything that made it make sense that Taj would vote to boot Brendan? Sure, she was a little wobbly about her Exile Alliance due to Brendan playing it cool after the merge. But they seemed back on track.

It would have been so satisfying to have seen that smug Ben Wade self-anointed Coach and God get the blindside boot.

That bizarre story he made up about kayaking down the Amazon after a military helicopter dropped him and his kayak off at the source of the river and then getting captured and tortured by little people and then miraculously escaping and paddling away so fast the his hands bled, well, I've known a pathological liar before, but not like this guy. He's pathetic.

Anyway, I liked the Brendan guy. He's already a millionaire, apparently, from selling granola. He seemed like a smart guy, til the end. Why do these people never learn? The first time there is a vote in which you could be vulnerable and you have the immunity idol, use it.

Survivor Tocantins: Joe Goes

I'm enjoying this latest iteration of Survivor. Last night had me all atwitter with concern that Brendan was going to be hit with a Marcus-like blindside. What with Taj going all wobbly about their Exile Island Alliance. And Stephan and JT being a bit weaselly. And Tyson and the psycho "Coach" being all mastermind mode.

The amusing Tyson and the demented, deluded self-appointed "Coach," seemed to have put together a good scheme to get rid of Brendan.

And then Tyson won the first individual Immunity, which seemed to seal the deal. Until Probst saw that Joe had a big owie on his knee and had him stay after the challenge was over so that a doctor could check it out.

The doctor soon determined that unless Joe got medical attention he could lose his leg or his life. So, a helicopter evacuation ended up not seeming like such a bad plan, all things considered, to Joe.

So, as the rest of his tribemates huddled in the rain, plotting and scheming and feeling nervous, Probst showed up, soaking wet, to deliver the news that Joe was out of it, that there'd be no Tribal Council.

And so now Brendan has a couple more days to get Taj, Stephen and Sierra all on the same page and figure out a way to blindside that idiotic obnoxious orchestra-leading (supposedly) "Coach." I hope that's what happens. Just to hear what the self-anointed "Dragon Slayer" has to say when he gets his dumbass booted.

That idiot is on a reality show. Why does he go on and on about being a warrior? And someone else being a warrior. And all the warriors getting rid of all the non-warriors and then battling it out mano-mano. He seems to think it's D-Day and he's getting ready to storm the Normandy Beaches.

The people who cast these type shows must dance a happy gig when they come across nutjobs like "Coach" and characters like Tyson.

Survivor Tocatins: Sydney Gets The Boot & Beans Get Burned

I'm finding the latest iteration of Survivor to be entertaining. So far.

That demented person who insists on being called "Coach". Real name Ben Wade. Fired, no longer a coach and unemployed, gets on his tribe's and the viewer's nerves. Clearly that man has some serious problems. However, while his method might have been madness, I agree with him, the longer you cook beans, the better.

The dolt Joe, falling for Taj's fake immunity idol, was funny. I liked how he hit the road running as soon as he thought his tribe couldn't see him jackrabbiting. I wish he'd given it to Sydney to play. I don't like postponed gratification.

How did Taj fashion such a believable fake idol with no one catching her? Did the producers decide this was a good time to line the people up to film a bunch of confessionals? Thus giving Taj plenty of time to do her crafty work.

JT easily, accidentally, finding Taj's hidden Immunity Idol was a bit odd. Here, Taj and Stephan were discussing whether or not to let the boy know, and then he goes and finds it on his own? Why did Taj hide the thing so poorly?

For a moment or two I thought JT and Stephan were going to turn nefarious and do a bad thing and vote out Taj. In the end they came to their senses and got rid of Syndey. Actually, had Taj, JT and Stephan actually come to their senses it would seem that getting rid of Joe would have been the better strategic move. And a much funnier blindside for the entertainment of us viewers.

Next week the tribes merges and unless they muck it up, and you know they will, Taj, Brendan, Sierra, Stephan and JT have control. I hope they use their control in a way that totally confuses their victims. That would be fun to watch.

Survivor 18: Tocantins---The Coach

I'm liking this latest Brazilian version of Survivor. We're only 3 episodes in and it's already got a plot line and memorable characters.

I like the Taj and Brendan combo turning into a team on Exile Island. I hope their alliance plot works out. It could be entertaining. But these type plots rarely seem to work out on Survivor.

It seemed a bit foolish, to me, that Taj told her teammates she's married to an NFL football player, who is apparently famous, named Eddie George, who I, like Taj's Stephen teammate, had never heard of.

I'm only being repulsed by one Survivor this time, that being this total twit named Ben Wade who insists he be called "Coach." On the latest episode it seemed clear that Wade's teammates see through the "Coach's" pompousness, just like the viewers have. It was funny to watch the "Coach" twitch when his teammates told Probst that they thought Brendan would make a good leader for their team.

And now it turns out the man is no longer a coach. He was fired due to telling his employers that'd he be gone for a week when he left for Survivor. Upon his return Wade's contract was terminated.

What did this guy coach you can't help but wonder. Well, it was a girl's soccer team. With a barely winning record during Wade's short time as coach.

And now this hawk-nosed delusional Renaissance Man thinks he is going to skyrocket from his Survivor fame to movie stardom.

Renaissance Man you ask? Well, this guy has a website, coachbenwade.com, on which you learn all about how accomplished he is. It's a very annoying website, one of those where it's hard to find out where to turn off the annoying music.

From the "Coach" website....

"Coach Benjamin Wade is a "renaissance man" in life from setting the world record for kayaking, to coaching collegiate soccer, traveling to the jungles of Africa, while still finding time to create and direct a symphony. Coach Benjamin Wade is a true "renaissance man."

A Renaissance Man with a serious need of a good haircut and some tattoo removal. And maybe a nose job.